Sunday, 4 December 2011

How to make the most of Santa

It's that time of year again when excited little faces begin to look eagerly to the sky and count down the sleeps 'til Santa. It's also the easiest time of year to keep your small ones in check. If you are having trouble disciplining your child, may I suggest that now is the best time to crank things up a notch.

Lots of children, when they are small, are frightened of Santa. This is a healthy fear which should be encouraged for as long they believe. Santa is not a jolly fat man who brings goodies to all and sundry. Santa plays it fair. Good children get presents, naughty children don't.

I start threatening my kids with Santa from about August. Phyllis firmly believes that I have Santa on speed dial:

"Hello, is that Santa? I have Phyllis here, she'd like a quick word with you. She doesn't think it's fair that she has to put away her toys. Oh no, wait, she's changed her mind."

I have a friend who rings the kids in early November, as Santa, just to check up on them and make sure they are behaving. The Brightest Star in the Sky is Santa's special fairy, who checks in on them every so often, and the little security sensors in the corners of many public places are really Santa-cam. These are just to start you off. One of my friends was inspired enough to tell her kids that I knew their names because I worked for Naughty List Intelligence. Oh, if only that were a real job! We parents must stick together, and anything we can use that makes our lives easier is a Good Thing.

By the time December comes round, my small folk are so terrified that they will have nothing in their stockings that they are paragons of saintly virtue, leaving me free to eat chocolate and drink mulled wine in peace. So Santa, much as I curse you for making me do your Christmas shopping, I have to say you are alright really.

Today: My Christmas wish list

Dear Santa,

I have been a good girl this year. Please may I have:

1. An extra pair of hands

2. These shoes:

3. Johnny Depp

I humbly thank thee Santa, and promise faithfully that if you can deliver me these things I will be very naughty with them, so you won't have to buy me a present next year.

Mama Jax

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