How to deal with sibling rivalry

If you have more than one child, get your head round the fact now that they will demonstrate an unhealthy amount of sibling rivalry. As your small fry have a full blown fight in public, displaying aggression which would make a seasoned cage fighter glow with pride, you may find people giving you that sympathetic half smile (which really means 'I'm so glad they're not mine') and saying, "They'll be the best of friends when they're older..."

This statement is not true. IF they survive to adulthood without killing each other, and believe me the odds are not good, the best you can hope for is that they live far enough away from each other that they will occasionally don rose-tinted spectacles and remember their childhood semi fondly. Perhaps at Christmas. Or when someone dies. The glasses will be whisked off and jumped on, however, the moment they meet again.

Don't get me wrong, I know some siblings who are incredibly close, but for my brother and I that is a dream which will always be a piped one.

By the time my brother was born, I had been an only child for almost four years, and quite liked it really. The arrival of a screaming bundle of attention-stealing joy was not something I was totally on board with... My inner diva came roaring to the surface as I tried valiantly to manoeuver the spotlight firmly back on the star of the show. Me. Babies are cute if you are a grown up. To a four year old, a baby is just a slightly smaller and less perfect version of themselves, and why would you want one of those when you already have perfection?

A friend of mine was nanny to twins, who also had a six year old sibling. Four years as an only child is one thing, but to have six years to yourself and then be presented with two babies is too much. My friend went to use the bathroom when the twins were about five months old. When she came back the babies were poking out from behind the sofa. Their brother had tipped all his toys down the back of the sofa and was in the process of balancing his bike on the top. Luckily, six year olds don't have the best spacial awareness and babies are short, so no harm done.

I have drummed into my kids how lucky they are to have a brother/sister, but I'm not convinced they believe me. My dad's solution is this:

If you want to have siblings who are close, you have to play the odds. If you have two children, chances are they won't get along as there as no variation in sparring partners. Have six or seven and the odds are good that at least two of them will like each other, given the number of combinations available. It's simple maths really.

So, to summarise, if you want to produce a pair of siblings who get on, breed lots.

"Breed like the wind, Bullseye!" (Toy Story)

"I breed therefore I am." (Descartes)

"Baby we were born to breed!" (Springsteen)

I rest my case.

Today: Bobby plays to her strength

Bobby and Phyllis, fighting over the last remaining seat.

Phyllis (snaking behind Bobby and getting in first): "You snooze, you lose!"

Bobby (nonchalantly tipping her off said chair): "You're small, you fall."

Mama Jax

How to survive a sleepover

Sleepover. One of those misnomers, right up there with 'fun run' and 'sports personality'.

Last night Phyllis had her first ever sleepover. Her friend, also 6, came for New Year's Eve and stayed. We survived; having had 3 kids I have developed a very strict set of rules for sleepovers:

1. Choose your guest/s wisely. Phyllis' little friend came from Good Stock. We know the parents and knew that they were bringing her up well. She was polite and fun. Do not choose a child who has multiple piercings under the age of 10, is named Checayne, Tequila or similar, and who's mother is 12. On the flip side, do no allow a child to stay who has a live in nanny and a maid. They will sneer at your Factory Shop furnishings, and demand scrambled quail's eggs on a fat/sugar/salt free brioche for breakfast.

2. Give them sweets. Yes, I know that is against everything you have been brought up to believe, but look at it this way: They will be hyper anyway, would you rather blame their behaviour on Haribo or your total lack of control as a parent?

Thought so.

3. Cram in as many children as will fit in the house. Again, this may seem crazy, but the less space they have, the less they can move. Moving=mischief.

This also makes the inevitable arguments more interesting and varied, and chances are they will tell each other to go to sleep as the first few get tired, saving you a job.

4. Invite children who have unusually early bedtimes. Phyllis' friend is usually tucked up by 6.30pm. The odds on her being tired at a reasonable time are significantly better than, say, a child whose usual bedtime is 9pm.

5. From the age of about 8 or nine, sleepovers become a popular and regular occurrence, particularly with girls. Parents of said kids will usually take turns to host the sleepovers. Make sure your turn falls in the summer months and stick them all in the garden in a tent. Surprise them with one unannounced 'supervision' visit to let them know they are being watched, then leave them to it.

6. Behave totally inappropriately in the house (see 'How to get your teenager to go to bed') to ensure they only come in when absolutely necessary, like if an alien abducts one of them. And maybe not even then.

7. If they are old enough to have a sleepover, they are old enough to make their own breakfast. Leave out a selection of easy things for them to make, like the cornflakes you've been trying to get rid of for months but no-one in your family will eat. Hide the nice stuff! I cannot stress this enough. This particularly applies to teenage boys...

Today: Phrases that may be used in an emergency

"I want you all asleep by 10pm. If you're quiet though, I might forget you're not asleep and you may get to stay up longer..."

"Ah, poor thing. If you can't settle to sleep here, maybe I should take you home."

"Of course you can come in! ***'s (insert name of your child) dad is just watching the 'News at 10' in his pants, but you won't mind that will you?"

For loud music: "Oh my gosh I LOVE this song!! Turn it up!" Dance outrageously.

Enjoy!

Mama Jax

How to get a teenager to go to bed

If any of you like me have a teen, you will know how difficult it is to have some time to yourself. You can't say to a teenager, "Come on, it's bedtime now," without being called lame, or having a HUGE list of whinges and arguments which would fluster an experienced lawyer.

I would like to share with you how I managed to get some alone time for me and my husband. My 16 and 13 year olds go upstairs at 9pm like clockwork, without a murmur, and don't come down at all. They are allowed to read or (16 year old) go on the computer until 10pm at which time, lights out.How did I achieve this minor miracle? Well, after a couple of weeks of constant battling I reached the end of my tether. The conversation went something like this:

Bobby: You're so lame, none of my friends go to bed before midnight, I'll be bullied at school if anyone finds out, blah, blah, blah...

Me: Ok let me put it this way. At 9pm, me and your dad are going to get naked and have sex on the couch whether you're here or not.

You have never seen teenagers move so quickly!!!

Mama Jax