If you have kids you will at some point be expected to enter them into a fancy dress competition, be it at school, on holiday, for a party or a carnival- if you have small fry it will happen. Best to be prepared.
I'm a very competitive mum. I try not to be, but I'm the one who, for example in colouring competitions, gets their child to create a collage to give them the edge. It's not the winning particularly, it's the prizes I love. Trophies, gift vouchers, chocolate... I'm not really fussy. I really identify with Violet Beauregard's mum from Johnny Depp's 'Charlie and the Chocolate Factory': "Eyes on the prize, Violet." That's me.
Ok, here's what I've learned about fancy dress competitions. A bought costume will never win. Much as you think they are judging the kids, they are not; they are judging your competence as a parent. It is also no good to painstakingly sew a beautiful costume. Judges will become suspicious and think you bought it on eBay. The best kind of costume is one that looks as if the kids made it. Luckily, my craft skills are such that everything I make looks like it was made by a preschooler.
Here are a few easy yet impressive ideas, all of which have been tried and tested by either myself or a close friend:
Bin liners:
- Put your child in a bin liner. Add a few white spots. Hey presto, a domino.
- For the more artistic among you, use a gold pen to scroll on the logo of an After Eight mint
- Glue on some brown cardboard spots, cover a sink plunger and a colander (with the handle facing forward) in bin liners, attach chrome salt and pepper pots for antennae (available in all good budget caravans). A Dalek.
Boxes*:
- Put your child in a box. Cover with tinfoil. A robot.
- Put your child in a box. Cover with wrapping paper and add a bow. A present
- (My own personal favourite, courtesy of one of my very best friends) Put your child in a box. Cover in coloured squares. A Rubik cube.
*If you put your child in a box costume, make sure you are on hand to help them move. A stuck child is not a winning child...
Other easy costumes:- Cover an umbrella in bubble wrap. A jellyfish
- Stick a few leaves on a kid's bikini (girl) and swimming trunks (boy). Give the kids an apple and a plastic snake. Adam and Eve.
- Stick some yellow circle stickers for buttons on a red t-shirt. Cover a plastic toy policeman's helmet (or similar) in black faux fur. A Beefeater.
- For the intellectuals among you (you know, those of you who can afford a proper holiday and don't have to go on the £9 holidays from The Sun with all the other Lidl families): Make your child a 'dress' from newspaper. The Guardian is good for this- you will see why in a minute. Add a tiara and a Miss World style sash reading 'Miss Print'.
The only thing with being a competitive mum is that you will come across other competitive mums. My kids came second with my slapdash Adam and Eve costumes, and the Umbrella Jellyfish woman's child came first, which REALLY annoyed the mum who had spent ages papier macheing her child into the shape of Elmer the Elephant... One last tip: try to get the judges to focus on the costume, not the resigned and embarrassed face of the small child IN the costume. If you feel a twinge of guilt for being a pushy competitive mum, just think how much fun your children will have when they have children of their own to dress up, and how good they will feel when their friends describe them as 'marvellously creative.' Sure, your grandkids will suffer, but that's their parents' problem.Today: How this obsession was bornAt the age of 10, my school held a Christmas Hat competition. Other kids' parents had rigged up working circuits for lights, sound and moving objects. My mum covered a straw sunhat in tissue paper leaves and stuck what I think was supposed to be a partridge on the front. It had feathers anyway. She then, bizarrely, sewed 4 foil milk bottle tops to dangle right in front of my face in the style of an Australian cork hat. No idea why, so don't ask.My 'Partridge in a Pear Tree' hat came first. I don't even want to think about what mum did to make that happen. I won a plastic comb from the chemist, just like my Grandad's. Go me.Mama Jax
There is only one thing more cringe-worthy than having to talk to your kids about sex, and that is having to talk to other people's kids about sex. It is a sad fact that teens believe so many myths about sex, STDs, pregnancy and birth that the government should be seriously concerned that the human race could die out.
Teachers now have to talk about sex to children as young as 4, and deal with irate parents who, quite rightly, think this is a tad too young. Here's a news flash for those parents: the teachers agree with you.
There is a set curriculum for teaching kids about sex, but most teachers do the following:
Reception: "Stand up if you are a boy. Stand up if you are a girl. Great, now let's do maths,"
and develop it on from there.
There is some controversy by the time kids reach years 1 and 2 as they learn the scientific names for the less talked about parts of their bodies. Among the penises (penii?) and vaginas is the humble clitoris, which has causes ruffled feathers among the teaching profession who think this is a body part too far. My argument though is that we are training up a future generation who will be so rubbish at dirty talk ("Sexual intercourse my vagina...oooh yeah baby!") that if we don't teach at least the boys about the clitoris, we as a species will definitely die out. And let's face it girls, how many of you wish your partners had been taught where the clitoris is at school? Thought so...
Actually, the 'naming' lesson can cause a few giggles as the teacher has to ask, before teaching the correct names, what names kids have been taught by parents. We usually get things like front bottom, willy, lady garden, flower, pee-pee and other harmless terms. One of my colleagues, however, was totally floored when one 6 year old said daddy called his 'male parts' Verne and the Twins. How she got through the next parents' evening without blushing I'll never know.
The trouble with sex education really starts when kids hit about 14 and they know it all. They take great delight in trying to embarrass the poor teacher by asking personal questions. It takes a brave teacher to face a class of year 9 pupils. Whoever does this deserves a medal and a knighthood from the Queen, at the very least.
By the time kids reach 16, they usually do know it all, or at least more than the teacher. It is at this point that the cunning teacher, whilst giving the impression of teaching, will really be picking up tips to inject some passion into his/her own flailing love life. After all the embarrassment of years 1-10, the humiliating realisation that one's sex life is lame will just about finish one off. Never mind, I hear Tesco are hiring...
Today: The nursery rhymes my dad sent me to school with
Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water,
Jill came down with half a crown...and she didn't get that for fetching water.
Little boy blue come blow your horn,
The sheep's in the meadow, the cow's in the corn
Where is the boy who looks after the sheep?
He's under the haystack, 'doing' Bo Peep.
Mama Jax
If you have a teenage son or daughter, you will know that no matter what you do or don't do they will find you embarrassing. They will hate your music, your clothes, your decor, your social interactions, anything at all you say at parent consultations... The list is endless.
So what I say is, if you are going to be an embarrassment anyway, why not have some fun with it!!!
Hubby and I sing along to show tunes at full volume in the car with the windows open ('Oklahoma' being a current personal favourite due to 'YEEOW!' opportunities).
We have decorated our house in colours so vibrant they would make Laurence Llewelyn Bowen consider sunglasses.
We have a 'phone shaped like a pink stiletto (keeps them off the 'phone!) and a cuckoo clock with a camp donkey which 'Hee-Haw's on the hour every hour.
We dress up in fancy dress whenever we get the chance, party or no party.
We talk about "Special Snuggles".
We wear t-shirts with slogans such as 'I beat anorexia' to parent consultations, and we generally enjoy ourselves!
Bobby's current catchphrase is, "I'm SO going to take you on Jeremy Kyle..."
We had an outing to Lyme Regis last year with a very good friend of ours and his small person. The kids were all pretty relaxed, safe in the knowledge that, as it was fairly chilly, the beach was pretty much deserted and there was little chance of bumping into anyone they knew. Oh how wrong they were!
"Oh look!" whispers Peter, pointing subtly, "There's Miss Carter from school."
Hubby and I exchanged a swift glance before yelling, "MISS CARTER!!!" and diving behind the wall. Miss Carter turned and waved in a friendly way.
Peter and Bobby were not amused.
"Why would you do that, why why?? I'm SO going to take you on Jeremy Kyle..."
The most embarrassing thing though is that all their friends think we're actually pretty cool... Now that IS a crime!
Today: Dressing up dare to parents of teens
Hubby and I have Smurf costumes (long story) and love dressing up in them of an evening, blue faces and all. We've never got round to it, but here is the dare for anyone brave enough:
Dress up as a Smurf, go to a cinema where they are showing the Smurf movie, and when you get to the front of the queue, put your money on the counter and say,
"Two for 'Harry Potter' please."
Go on- DARE YOU!
Mama Jax
