Sunday, 30 October 2011

How to lose the baby weight

There is no doubt about it, having a baby changes your body for the worse. Bits droop that shouldn't droop, things leak that shouldn't leak, lines appear all over as if you were sponsored by A-Z maps; it's not pleasant.

My theory is that Mother Nature does this to mothers to make sure that no-one (except the father of the child in less serious cases) ever sees her naked again, thereby ensuring a stable relationship for one's offspring.
Mother Nature is warped in the head.

Before your baby is a year old, as a new mother you will find yourself in one of two places:

First, the gym where you will compete with a whole bunch of beautiful, single women, and men who are waaay out of your league, if you had the energy to care. You will stand in front of a wall of full length mirrors, dressed in a baggy tracksuit with an elasticated waist, and a greying t-shirt with sick on it. Why women think this experience will boost their self esteem is beyond me.

The second place you may end up is the Diet Club. These days there are many diets to choose from, each more faddy than the last. You can try the cabbage diet, the red/green diet, the yogurt and fruit diet, the milkshake diet, the Fab lolly name it there is a diet for it.

I chose the second option after birthing my kids and trotted off to Fat Club. To be honest it was more like a maths class. I had to add up points and calories, then add a percentage for every kilogram I was over a certain weight, then convert this weight into pounds as I don't understand kilograms. It was all very complicated. My waistline stayed the same, but I came out with an A-Level in advanced mathematics.

The trouble with diet clubs, for me, is that they bring out the feminist in me. I found myself reassuring women that they are beautiful as they are, and ranting about how today's ideal body is hairless and straight up-and-down, i.e. the body of a prepubescent girl. I urged women to embrace their womanhood, curves and all. They did, gained confidence and left Fat Club. I wasn't very popular...

I think there must be a special school where the women who run these Fat Clubs go to learn 'motivational' slogans. Two which stood out for me were:

"Now, you could have this fat and calorie laden fry-up ("Mmm...yes please!" think I) or you could swap it for this just as delicious tinned tomatoes on toast." Just as delicious? Really...?

And my all time favourite (in an Essex accent for full effect):

"All that glitters is NOT gold girls. IT'S FAT!!"

If you have joined a Fat Club and have stuck to it, well done you. However, I would rather stick to my own diet which I call the comparative diet. It works like this:

You can eat what ever you like, for example a huge piece of chocolate cake, provided that you can persuade your best friend to eat double. That way, you'll always be the thin friend. Works a charm!

Today: It ain't over yet
Peter was playing a card game with my dad, and winning (just).
My dad: Don't get too excited Peter. The game's not over 'til the fat lady sings.
Peter: Grandma, quick! Sing something!!

Mama Jax

No comments:

Post a Comment